Related topics: •  Managing Anger Effectively

Forgive For Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness
By Fred Luskin, PhD
Harper San Francisco
218 pp $24.95

What could be more timely than a book on forgiveness? Our little planet is exploding with hatred as religious and ethnic groups use increasingly lethal weapons in age-old conflicts. Up until September 11, Americans enjoyed a measure of distance from these hostilities, but when the twin towers toppled, so did any illusion that we are immune from history.

So researcher Fred Luskin's in-depth examination of the process and power of forgiveness would seem to come at exactly the right time. Luskin is co-founder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, where he conducts pioneering research and offers classes in forgiveness training. In Forgive For Good, Luskin convincingly demonstrates that forgiveness is a skill that can be learned and perfected, and that by acquiring it we can not only enhance our lives but improve our health and well-being.

Luskin begins his book with an explanation of what forgiveness is not. He points out that misconceptions about what forgiveness means can be a trap: People refuse to let go of a grudge because they feel the wrong done to them is unforgivable. But by Luskin's definition, forgiveness does not mean we condone the behavior of those who have hurt us, or that we even maintain a relationship with them. Instead, he writes, "Forgiveness is the powerful assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past." He argues that forgiveness benefits the forgiver as much as -- perhaps more than -- the forgiven. In the words of Samuel Johnson, "A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain."

This unnecessary pain manifests itself in a number of ways, as Luskin demonstrates. When you hold a long-term grievance, you continue to give the offender a great deal of power. As Luskin outs it, you allow him or her to rent out a lot of space in your mind, thus leaving little room for reflections on the people who care about you, or on your life goals. You become trapped in the grievance, which makes you a perpetual victim in the eyes of others -- and yourself.

Luskin offers the case of a woman named Dana to illustrate this point. After years of hard work at her company, Dana was passed over for a promotion. Her bosses had legitimate reasons for their decision, which they made clear had nothing to do with the quality of Dana's work or her value to the company. Still, Dana could not let the matter go. She began to question the wisdom of spending years with the company and complained bitterly to anyone who would listen, so much so that her job performance suffered and her colleagues began to avoid her. Dana had legitimate reason to be disappointed and angry, but by developing and nurturing a grievance story, she prolonged her own pain, undermined her experience, and became a tiresome whiner.

Forgive For Good makes the case that this kind of grudge can actually threaten your health. When one bears a grievance over a long period of time, constantly reliving it by fretting internally and complaining to others, one's anger is churned up and re-experienced. Research has proven that anger and hostility trigger the release of stress chemicals, which can cause immediate physical discomfort and long-term damage to the heart and blood vessels.

Conversely, studies indicate that forgiveness training can offer immediate relief from physical symptoms, and probably from long-term physical damage as well (but not enough research has been conducted to prove this last thesis conclusively). One study Luskin cites found fewer heart problems in individuals who demonstrated a high level of forgiveness, compared to those who could not let go of a grudge. Luskin's own work shows definite positive results in the psychological and emotional well-being of those who practice his forgiveness training: "People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more," he writes.

Now comes the difficult part: How do we learn to forgive someone who has hurt us, perhaps grievously? The book describes Luskin's program in detail and includes exercises for reframing one's outlook through deep breathing and cognitive therapy techniques. At the heart of Luskin's work is the premise that we may not be able to prevent bad things from happening to us, but we can control our reactions to these events. "Forgiveness is above all a choice," Luskin asserts. "It is a choice to find peace and live life fully. We can choose either to remain stuck in the pain and frustration of the past or to move on to the potential of the future."

The author claims a significant success rate for those who follow his program, and provides a number of examples. Dana, mentioned above, was able to leave behind her grievance story after forgiveness training. She was still angry that she had not been promoted, but she reported a growing sense of power and autonomy, which allowed her to refocus her energies and enjoy her work -- and her life -- once again.

The book is well written, thoughtful and optimistic; it offers life-affirming advice and a valuable road map for people trying to find their way out of a grievance story. Still, I found myself wondering how useful Luskin's program would be to someone with a loss more shattering than neglectful parents, an unfaithful spouse, or disloyal friends. It is hard to imagine, for example, a parent whose child was killed by a drunken driver finding tremendous comfort in Luskin's "Breath of Thanks" exercise, or having the energy to tune in to what he calls the "Gratitude Channel." By confining himself to a self-help scope, Luskin fails to tackle harder questions, such as whether some wounds are simply too deep to heal.

Yet isn't that one of the most important questions of our time? If there is going to be a successful resolution of the historical and cultural conflicts that are wreaking havoc in the world today, everyone involved will have to learn and practice forgiveness for the most savage, inconsolable losses. That Luskin's book skirts these larger issues is particularly puzzling because, in fact, he has done some of that work himself. He interviewed and provided forgiveness training to victims of the struggle in Northern Ireland, including parents whose children died violently. He touches on this work in his book, but gives it remarkably short shrift: We never get to know the individuals or their stories, and although he contends that the forgiveness training was effective in their cases, he provides no evidence or exposition.

I wonder if Luskin himself regrets his book's narrow focus, given recent world events. He conceived and wrote Forgive For Good before September 11 (there is a "Note to the Reader" about the crisis, hastily added just before the book went to press). Maybe in the pre-9/11 climate Luskin felt his readers would not be interested in anything more than a self-help book about forgiveness. Or maybe treatment of forgiveness in a more complex and global context would require a whole book to itself. If we are lucky, perhaps Luskin is working on such a book right now.

-- Connie Matthiessen is a San Francisco-based freelance writer.

First published March 6, 2002
Last updated December 4, 2007