Related topics: •  Aggression, Ages 3 to 6 •  Time-Outs, Ages 3 to 6

Chances are your child isn't actively trying to deceive you. With children this age, most fibs are the result of forgetfulness, wishful thinking, or an active imagination. When your child sets off a preschool melee and then denies any wrongdoing, he may have no memory of grabbing that fabulous toy and running off. When your child insists he traveled to Africa last night, he isn't fibbing purposefully; he just has a rich fantasy life. And your child isn't really trying to get away with something when he says he didn't break the crayons. He's just wishing that it didn't happen with enough intensity to convince himself he had nothing to do with it.

Around the age of 5 or 6, children begin to develop a conscience and a clearer understanding of the difference between truth and fiction. But don't worry -- your child won't wake up one day and decide to tell a lie. First he has to learn that certain behaviors are wrong, or forbidden; then he has to develop the ability to prevent himself from engaging in those activities. He'll take even longer to figure out that fibbing about it might get him off the hook.

Eventually, though, your child will do something wrong that he associates with your disapproval. Once he understands that his misdeed would disappoint you and feels guilty about it, he may construct a denial. This is understandable -- attempting to avoid disapproval or punishment is a normal human response.

Your child may also start to tell fibs to see if he can get a rise out of you. If it works and he gets your attention, this sort of "exploratory" lying may continue. Or he may discover that making up stories makes him feel important.

When you're confronted with a real lie, take it in stride and use each lying episode as an opportunity to teach honesty. Here are some tips on dealing with your freshman fibber:

•Remain calm

•Give your child a chance to confess

•Take note of the circumstances

•Try to discover his reasons

•Don't take it personally

•Explain why telling the truth is important

•Reassure your child that you love him no matter what

The upside is that a lie indicates your child is learning right from wrong. If he didn't think he'd made a mistake, he wouldn't bother to try covering it up. So you may find it helpful to remind yourself of the time your child took his friend's Superball or whacked the dog with a toy hammer and seemed to have no idea that his behavior was unacceptable.

Encourage honesty, and don't overdo the punishment. Remember, you can't have it both ways: If you want your child to tell you when he's done something wrong, you can't also vent your fury on him. (If you do, he's not likely to fess up the next time.) In any case, handing out a harsh penalty isn't appropriate or likely to have a positive effect at this age. Children who are punished severely for minor offenses may go to extremes and develop an overly strict conscience or become pint-size rebels. Best to address it, not suppress it.

If your child's fibs are of the bragging variety, discourage the behavior by praising him for his efforts and accomplishments. He's probably trying to satisfy the normal human need to feel important and appreciated.

One powerful way to illustrate the importance of honesty to your child is to tell him the story of "The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf.'" Although it has a scary ending (wolves devour the untruthful young shepherd's flock), it drives home the necessity of being trustworthy and introduces the idea that lying can have serious consequences. For your child to survive and thrive in elementary school, he'll need to understand this. Another good book about lying is Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine, by Evaline Ness, which dramatically illustrates the ramifications of telling tall tales yet manages to end happily.

Since children of this age barely understand what lying is, you can be pretty sure your little fibber isn't headed for a life of crime. If he sneaks a cookie off his teacher's desk and then denies eating it (with crumbs all around his mouth), he's not a bad person; he's simply learning that not everything he wants is his.

Treat your child calmly and sympathetically so he learns from his mistakes -- "I bet you really wanted that cookie and thought it was yours. Then when you ate it, you realized you were in trouble and fibbed." He'll catch on that he must ask for things before taking them, no matter how inviting they are, and that telling the truth is less painful than telling a lie. If you get angry and make him feel terrible, he'll be less receptive to the lessons you're trying to teach -- and more likely to dissemble (perhaps more cleverly) the next time.

Help your child avoid situations that might tempt him to lie by letting him know what you expect of him and drawing lines that he can eventually use to judge for himself whether his behavior is acceptable. Providing clearly defined limits is one of the most loving, positive things you can do for him. A child who understands that limits are for his benefit will grow up to be a teenager who respects them, too.

References

First published November 10, 1999
Last updated May 22, 2007
Copyright © 1999 Consumer Health Interactive

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