Related topics: •  Book Review: Raising Cain and Real Boys' Voices •  Development & Behavior (Ages 12 to 16) •  Special Report: Talking With Kids About Tough Issues

"People ask, 'Do you think there will be more Columbines? Do you think there will be more shootings?' I say, 'Yes -- until we start to change the way we deal with boys.' "
-- William S. Pollack, PhD

Nearly a year before tragedy shattered Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, William S. Pollack illustrated the dehumanizing culture American boys face on the streets, in locker rooms, and even on elementary school playgrounds in his 1998 book Real Boys. Trapped by stereotypical expectations of what it is to be male, they become victims of what he terms the "Boy Code" -- old rules that demand stoicism and silence at an enormous emotional cost. Boys who do not conform can easily become targets of bullying and teasing by other boys who do abide by these rules. Relentlessly hounded to prove themselves, deeply ashamed and isolated, some desperate boys turn to suicide or violence against others.

An assistant professor of clinical psychology at Harvard University Medical School, Pollack has devoted almost 20 years to understanding boys and the lessons of masculinity. Real Boys' Voices, his recent collection of interviews with American boys, includes survivors of Columbine and is told in their own words.

"Ultimately, there is only one reasonable solution to this national dilemma: helping boys to tell us who they really are, and learning -- in a new way -- to listen and respond to that reality," Pollack writes. Pollack's message is clear: If we want to save our children, we need to make changes far more powerful than installing metal detectors in schools. While some find his advice controversial and simplistic, he remains a steady voice and unswerving advocate for the real boys he listens to so carefully.

Recently, CHI correspondent Blythe Woolston spoke via telephone with Pollack when he revisited Colorado during his book tour. During the conversation, Pollack shared ideas about the emotionally crippling Boy Code, his effective method of communicating with boys -- called action talk -- and ways we can help boys survive the many challenges of growing up.

You have described a Boy Code that crushes boys' ability to communicate and understand their own emotions. How can adults help boys recognize the Boy Code?

I usually tell parents just to wait and keep a careful lookout. If you are engaging in action talk and you are watching your boy, you will see when the Code is causing problems. If a boy is being teased, he may either pull away from you or stay closer. He may talk about things that happen to other kids. The moment that starts to happen, find a shame-free zone and start talking about it. When you ask if they have noticed that boys and girls are treated differently, you may be amazed at how boys will open up and talk about it. Then you can talk about the Code, where it came from, how it doesn't have to be, and how he has choices. One of those choices, by the way, is not to express feelings. In other words, as long as the boy knows the Code is in place, he may make a decision not to show his feelings in some situations, but to wait and share his feelings later.

What kinds of communication can we expect from boys?

Well, in general, boys are less able to put their feelings into words, especially on deep emotional issues. This is partly because of biology and partly a result of how we bring boys up in America. Some of the boys in the book are very articulate -- because we worked very hard to help them open up! It may be a long-term process before the boy can put things into words. In fact, part of action talk is honoring action as communication. When a boy is washing the car, getting the newspaper, or wanting to go for a run, he's talking to you in action terms. That doesn't mean you can't respond in your own words. You might say, "I wonder if that was a way of telling me how much you care about me" or "I love what you have done with that car" or even "I really love you." That will create the bond and some kids will say, "Oh, I love you too," and all of sudden something new starts to happen.

How can we recognize when a boy is depressed or in emotional trouble?

The Boy Code, that silence, does make it more difficult. Boys' communication of depression is through behavior; it's action or inaction oriented. Some of the earliest signs that a boy is depressed or suicidal are acts of bravado or risk taking -- using drugs or driving too fast -- that he didn't do before. Often we say they are bad boys or they are having a bad time or "boys will be boys" when, in fact, this is a way of telling us, "Look I'm really sad or helpless."

"Real Boys Voices" allows us to hear directly from boys, rather than about them. Why was that important?

We don't know about the boy next door or the boy in the next room, because the code of boyhood and masculinity stops him from talking about his vulnerabilities, his difficulties, and even the sweet and caring things. So I wanted to do three things with this book: I wanted to show America that boys had so much more to them -- including a secret emotional life. I wanted boys to be able to say it for themselves, in their own voices. And I wanted to teach parents, clergy, and teachers -- anyone interested -- how they could talk to boys so they would open up and respond. I wanted them to learn how to mentor boys in a way that could change a boy's life.

Can you talk a little bit about the mentoring process?

The book includes a 15-step program for mentorship, which is very important. Research shows that if a boy has one adult he can open up to in a shame-free way, one adult who cares about him, that boy is going to be healthier, happier, less likely to be depressed, less likely to be violent, more likely to succeed in school, more likely to be open and caring, to have friendships, to succeed in life. The most important thing is for the boy to know that one adult mentor understands him and will listen -- someone who will keep an eye out for him and will provide the time. It seems like such a simple task, and yet we haven't done it.

It sounds like good communication is the key to mentoring. Can you explain "action talk?"

Action talk involves giving boys a little bit of space, letting them come to us, creating what I call a shame-free zone or safety zone -- both physically and emotionally -- and then playing or doing something with them. It could be Legos or chess, playing baseball or going for a walk. Many people find that going for a ride in the car is perfect; it's encapsulated, it's safe, and the boy can look away. In that safe environment, while doing something, you don't bombard him with questions, you just let him know that you are there, and you will genuinely listen. If he doesn't talk, you can give him an entry like, "You seem a little down lately," or you can share something about yourself. That kind of safe environment, that kind of using action first, without pushing to words, allows boys to open up. Sometimes to tear up and cry, sometimes to talk eloquently, sometimes to just begin a conversation that can be helped along by the adult.

If we remove the Boy Code from the picture, what sort of masculinity can we offer our boys?

Sometimes people get confused and fuse the negative parts of the Boy Code with positive virtues that have been associated historically with masculinity: being heroic, caring about justice, caring and struggling for people who are being mistreated, protecting loved ones. These are real aspects of traditional masculinity that are worth saving. I'm not advocating a subtractional psychology, but an additional psychology. In other words, we have to do for boys what we have started to do for girls. Some years ago girls said, "It's nice to be bonded, warm, and caring, but if we want to be able to play hard on the playing field or we want to do math and science, we want the chance to do that." I think we should be giving boys the message that it's good to be heroic, to save others, to provide and to protect, but if you want to be sad, if you want to hug your mother, if you want to shed tears when you feel pain, we want you to be able to do that too -- to be a full person, not a half person.

Some people worry that we will end up turning boys into girls. What do you say to those concerns?

Boys and girls are different; I think anyone who would argue with that is living in a time warp. But those biological differences only explain some of the different ways boys express their love and hunger for connection. The sense of caring and wanting to express feelings are human needs. At birth, boy babies are as emotive and empathic as girl babies, perhaps more, but by age five, they have clammed up. Then, of course, boys grow up, and they are told, not unrightly, that they should be respectful of girls and treat them as equals, be more open, try to share, be good partners, and of course they are not prepared to do any of that.

What we are doing right now is actually crazy-making. We, as society, are repeatedly giving one set of messages to boys growing up, then suddenly telling them they should be something else. Certainly something similar has happened to girls as well, but at least they can cry out for help. One thing about boys and the Code is that it is a code of silence. Boys dare not cry. So they either sink into a depression, disconnect, or live a life of quiet desperation. Some boys who can't cry tears, cry bullets.

In the context of recent violent events, there is a tendency to turn to zero tolerance policies. Do you think that is the best response?

Let me say I have zero tolerance for zero tolerance. When we have no tolerance for an action, and we try to stop it, we often end up having no tolerance for the boy. This doesn't mean that a boy shouldn't have some responsibility, given his age and the situation, but most boys who are aggressive are, in fact, depressed. So if we expel them or use a punitive technique, we only make them angrier, push the pain deeper underneath, and it's just going to come out more explosively later. So aside from being harmful or hurtful and inhumane, zero tolerance is completely impractical. What works much better is creating a culture in which boys feel that it's safe to speak.

The book makes it clear that teasing and bullying are absolutely destructive and that much of the teasing focuses on sexuality. Can you help us understand why this happens?

I think parents have to be aware that, as gender roles changed, boys became more confused about what it means to be a boy. In the context of that confusion, they are being teased and being told that they are girls or that they aren't real men. As a result, they have to spend all their time proving their masculinity, which is an impossible task. Many boys have friendly feelings for girls that we, as adults, misinterpret as sexual activity. These boys said over and over again, no one believed them when they wanted a caring friendship with a girl. Either they were made fun of because they weren't being sexual or they were restricted because it was assumed that they were sexual. To some extent, adults' confusion toward kids is the problem. We, as adults, have to recognize and confront our own feelings about sexuality. Adults need to be more open to variations in general, about boys' connections to girls, and, of course for boys who are gay, boys connections to other boys.

Homophobia is a difficult subject for many people; can you give some advice to help adults to address a subject they might rather ignore?

Homophobia is one of the biggest themes of teasing and bullying, so it has to be addressed. This teasing isn't just directed at boys who are gay -- every boy is a target. First, we as adults have to expand our definition of what a real man is; we have to accept the fact that in most cases, homosexuality is not a choice, it is biological. We need to accept it, not as an illness, but as just another variation. It doesn't make a boy or a man any less of a boy or man; it just means that the person he loves is of the same gender. For some people it may be hard to accept, but if tolerance is the adult viewpoint, then boys won't have to fight against the intolerance that they feel in their childhood. You might not only improve boys' lives, you might actually save them.

-- Blythe Woolston is a freelance editor and writer who lives in Billings, Montana.

Last updated October 30, 2008
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